Don Fried — Playwright & Author

Posts Tagged ‘parody

A couple of days ago Rhonda and I rented two superhero movies — “Iron Man” and “Hancock.”  It got us to thinking about what superpowers we would choose.

At first Rhonda said she’d always wanted to be able fly.  But then she saw a movie actress who had recently starred in a superhero movie being interviewed on TV.  That actress was asked the same question and she said that her choice would be to be able to eat as much as she wanted without gaining weight.  Rhonda immediately changed her mind.  She now wants to be “Consequence-Free Gluttony Woman.  After all, she says, how much time would she spend flying.

I’ve thought about it for a few minutes  (very few), and here are some ideas of the superhero I’d like to be.

1.  Able-To-Sleep-All-Night-Without-Getting-Up-To-Pee Man: self-explanatory.

2.  Loud-Music-Revenge Man: able to cause boom boxes, car stereos, restaurant and store radio CD players and radios which play loud, obnoxious music to be inserted into the anal cavities of the people who play them.

3.  Comeback Man:  able to think up clever comebacks at the time they are required, and not hours, days, or weeks later.

4.  Genitalia-Enlarging-Spam-Reversal Man:  causes the genitalia of people who send out spam offers to enlarge my  genitalia to shrink with each spam shot they send.

5.  Lawyer-Destructo Man: needs no explanation or justification.

You get the idea.

Let me know ideas for superpowers you’d like to have.

I’m forwarding this to you because I know you will be moved by it and want to help out this poor man and his family.

Dear Mr. Fried,

Good day from Mr. Fahad Maniqua.  I am writing to you from an office in nigerian-scam-centralLagos, Nigeria.  Unless you’ve been living in an isolation chamber for the past 10 years, you’ve certainly gotten dozens of emails like this one. But this one is different, because it is 100% true.

My father was the Chairman of the Royal Bank of Sulabasi for many years.  He amassed a huge, illegal fortune which he had deposited in a completely secure, honest bank in Nigeria.  Then a few months ago there was was a coup in Sulabasi and all of my father’s corrupt political cronies were deposed and our family was expelled from the country with only the clothes on our backs and one-way tickets to Nigeria.

When we arrived in Lagos, we were informed that the only way we could withdraw the money from our account was if we could get rich Americans to send us their bank account details and passwords and deposit $10,000 for “expenses” into a numbered account in the Cayman Islands.

Would you do this for us, please?  In exchange, we will give you 10% of the $20 million in our account.

In addition to this being a hugely profitable opportunity for you, you can feel good that you are rescuing me and my 4 brothers and 3 sisters from having to sit in this office day after day typing phishing emails.  It breaks our hearts to have to participate in a dishonest venture like that.   But as I said before, this email is not like those ones.  This one is completely true.

Please reply as soon as possible, and I will give you instructions on how to forward your bank account information and where to deposit the $10,000.

Thank you,

Mr. Fahad Maniqua

In order to help out Mr. Maniqua, it would be best if I acted as the facilitator.  So once you have stopped sobbing over this story, send your account information and expense money to me, and I will forward them on.