Don Fried — Playwright & Author

Not a dirty old man (and proud of it)

Posted on: December 15, 2008

wolfLet me begin by stating categorically that, in spite of popular opinion, I am NOT a dirty old man.

Yes, I take classes at the University of Colorado Theatre Department.  But I can assure you that the fact that 75% of the students in that department are good looking women between the ages of 18 and 22 and in fantastic shape  had absolutely nothing to do with my decision to pursue my theatrical education.  It was  completely unexpected.  And it would have been terribly sexist of me to abandon my choice of a second career simply because I noticed that my heart rate was hovering near 140 beats a minute from 9:30 – 11:00 a.m. every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday.  (Which just happened to coincide with my Introduction to Theater class.)  I’m sure you agree with me on that.

Neither was my decision to take acting classes at all influenced by the fact that those classes, in particular, tend to be very “hands-on” affairs.  I mean, lots of men approaching sixty have frequent opportunities to embrace 20 year-old women, don’t they?

My classmates seem to sense my detachment and professionalism, and accept me as they would any other student.  The fact that they immediately grimace when they are told that they have to play a “close” scene with me shows how quickly and completely they are throwing themselves into their theatrical roles.  What a bunch of troopers!

Now that we’ve gotten any doubts in that regard completely out of your heads, I have a confession to make.  As a young man I was obsessed with sex.  (Try to control your shock.)

There was a statistic that was bandied about when I was in my early twenties.  “The average male thinks about sex every 11 seconds,” it said.   I remember being absolutely astonished at that figure.  My reaction was, “What in heaven’s name do they think about the rest of the time?”

As I got older, I realized that such an obsession wasn’t normal or healthy.  Quite apart from distracting me from my career, it was becoming increasingly exhausting.  So I set out to break myself of the habit.  And I’m happy to say that I’ve succeeded.  It took nearly 40 years of hard work, but I can honestly say that these days I don’t think about sex more than once every 15 seconds.  Approximately.  On average.  Sometimes, of course, it’s more often.

All the same, that’s quite an accomplishment.  Aren’t you proud of me?

3 Responses to "Not a dirty old man (and proud of it)"

Yeh Don… I am overwhelmed with pride. Their boobs don’t tap dance or anything…!

Mothers, don’t let your daughters NEAR this man ; )

ROFL Don’t know which is funnier, this post was brilliant but the comments above dang!

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